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all is almost lost
there is nothing left to look for. al lis lost. almost. what is left? where to go. i have screwed my hopes over just to laugh. fuck it all. why would it matter. its already fucked me.
...
fuck this. fuck all of it.
just another fucked up year
i have fucked it all up. so much for what could have been. its over. school is just something i can't do apparently. fuck me. fuck this. i need sleep. i need physical pain to relieve the rest. fuck.
just me
the cars fixed, going to school. not making it to all classes. can't seem to find a will to go. i want to go. i need to go. can't force myself our of bed.
long day
been a long day. my cars breaks have went out. don't know what to do. hopefully get them fixed today
screams.
screaming in silence to the black walls that refuse t ocare or listen. they merely laugh at my lack of strength. i turn and turn but can find no more than the black walls. i run and run but the black never seems to leave me. my wounds only get deeper as someone keeps stabbing at my open flesh with the sharp knives of existence. i try to sleep but the screaming of someone else never seems to stop. rest doesn't exist for me. peace doesn't exist for me. life doesn't exist for me. hope is quickly becoming the same. and in the midst of everything, i realize that i am the one holding the knife, i'm the one replaying the screaming, i'm the ne keeping myself awake. this is where i put myself. it is my fault.
medicated me...
so i got up this morning and i went and pickep up alex. he went with me to my 9:30 doctors appointment(thank you alex). the doctor askep about anne and rodneyna, asked about the meds, asked about my back. perscribed 150mgrams of effexor xr. told me to keep on with the excercises and come back later. he said i'll probably need to have it xrayed, but thats not till later. sooooo..... went to my theater class. it was fun. as fun as making myself look like an ass can be. no i really had to act like a mule. other stuff hapened fell asleep in my geography class. i don't get it, i'm wide awake and yet i fell asleep in there. its going to be a long hour and a half. now i sit here and type. will type again soon.
don't know
its been fun i guess. i actually like two of my classes this year. wow. its amazing. might like more, havne't been to all. oh yeah, while i'm thinking about it. all you people who actually stop in and read this page everyonce in a while, sign the friggen guest book!!! waiting around campus, worrying about friends such as jordan, alex, russel, sammy, rodneyna. so many things too worry about. don't want to worry anymore. just want to be happy. please let me be happy. i think that on some basic lever i actually stay happy all the time. but at the same time i stay worried and depressed all the time too sooo...... what to do what to do what to do? must go. talk later. if anyone has any idea on how to help me figure out how much it would really cost me to go to tech, how long i have to wait to get tops back, what gpa i have to have to get tops back, what i have to do to find out what myt major is....please leave me a message, email me, or just tell me when you see me. thanks.
so what now
i ahve officially decided that i now wish to attend louisiana tech. yes partially because my significant other goes there, but no thats not the only reason i would want to attend there thank you. still changing my schedule. need to make a doctors appointment. must go.
okay
well this sucks. life sucks...no medication...all is not well...the medication is working...life is good...all is well...the medication is working...life sucks...i'm so confused...this sucks.
the need to release
don't know what to do. apparently i'm fixing to lose someone i consider a friend meremly becasue i'm worried about them. ugh. havne't talked to her yet. don't know if i can call her. hope to have plans for this weekend. not sure yet. don't know whether or not to get my hopes up or just bury the idea until i get a phone call saying yes or no. neither on is healthy but right now i don't know of another option that will work for me. have a doctors appointment sometime in the next week and a half, or atleast i'm supposed to. i'll figure it all out later.
evanescence
tourniquet
i tried to kill the pain
but only brought more
i lay dying
and i'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
do you remember me
lost for so long
will you be on the other side
or will you forget me
i'm dying praying bleeding and screaming
am i too lost to be saved
am i too lost?
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my God my tourniquet
return to me salvation
my wounds cry for the grave
my soul cries for deliverance
will i be denied Christ
tourniquet
my suicide
first day of class
so i was supposed to pick up alex this morning because the dumbass decided he wanted to try to break his foot, he almost succeeded. i get to his current place of residence and apparently he is still sleeping, no one answers the door. got to school and tried to change my schedule t osomething i had wanted it to be, doesn't happen. apparently getting here ten minutes earlier than the schedule request form is supposed to be open is not early enough, the classes i wnated where gone. oh well, i won't be going to some of my classes today. atleast not those classes that i won't be attending this year at all. forgot my medication at home. the problem is i dno't plan on going home today until around 6:00. well i have math 1029 to go to. will post later when i have time. hoping to see some of the quad people out today.
pain in the ass
well so i come all the way up to school because we are supposed to be able to change our schedule from the 18th to the 22nd. today is the 20th. wy can't i change my schedule, i'm really not sure. i would have done it at home but my comp is being a pain in my ass. it won't let the internet sty up for more than five minutes. some sort of virus i'm eventually going to have to get off. so school starts here soon. yay. what fun. but atleast i will be among friends. growing ever so cold toward my house. can't seem to stay there for long amounts of time. have been unable t osty there the past several days. lucky for me friends of mine live very far from my current place of residence and are willing to put up with me.
well i don't know
so...ummmmm yeah. i don't know. waiting on school to start, maybe. i hope it goes well. i have classes with friends. thats always cool, assuming that they go to class. assuming that i go to class. i ahve been spending a lot of time with alex and russel and rodneyna and anne. i hope t obe spending more time with jordan here soon. on new medication, it always makes life interestnig. i am starting t ounderstand that people can care about me. i still don't understand why, and no matter how much i want to i dno't guess its neccesary that i understand why they care. i think we all want love and all want to know if the one for us is just the one we settle for in the end or if it is the one that was somehow chosen for us at the begginning of time. i am slowly becoming happy again. i am trying. its still hard sometimes. trying to understand the rechid world i live in, but then again your world is waht you want it to be isn't it? i can choose not to see al these things? can i? they tell em i can, they tell me everything that happens to me is my choice, i can choose not to feel like this or see things or hear things or want things, its all my decision. is it really? do i want to suffer like this and just dillusion myself with things of happiness just to hurt myself more? i wish i had the answers, i wish i knew.
and so it is
hey all who care. school is fixing to start so i guess i'm back here. i will be writting again. atleast while i'm at school. made some friends. come to love a few more people. still want to run away. still want to leave. still want to go home. maybe starting a business. all who would be reading probably know what it is by now and would hopefully come once it comes around.
its been a while
so i haven't written in a while. i haven't had access to the internet. even now i'm not supposed to. but oh well. so i have 4 D's and a B to finish out this semester. so much for keeping tops. i miss all of you people already. its sad. email me or something. post something. i'll cathc you all later.
and so it is
the last week of school. or atleast the last week of classes. after this, some of us move on, some of us stay here, some of us work the summer away while others of us study it away in summer school classes. on this last week some of us cram t otry and make that one letter grade higher while others of us already realize we're screwed and have just said fuck it. whatever the case may be, it will be a while to we see eack other again. in some cases longer than others. who knows, maybe i'll be back some day. maybe i won't leave at all. maybe i will waste away here.
yes....no.
what to do? what to do? what to do?
falling.....falling....is there no one here to catch me?
blah. wish i could cry. wish i could cry when i wanted to. now i want to. now i can't. now i won't. i wold have been sickened at what i have be come three years ago. i would have laughed out loud and said never. now i look back and say never again. why? sometimes my body deisres the past. i don't understand why. yes i do. becasue my past didn't need. so what? oh well. needing to go find people, person, persons. whatever. by the way, why has no one except phil and alex signed the guestbook?
so maybe there is a spark
no hope left in school. but maybe i have a plan to fix my most things. i don't know yet. we shall see. perhaps soon.
damn... i'm me
so yeah. i'm me and it pisses people off. why is that? am i just the type of person that pisses people off subconsciencely adn doesn't relaize it? lets see, quad people, friends outside of school, friends parents, womans parents, my parents. sometimes its just like damn, do you people want to kill me or would you like me to take care of it myself. i am without my better half for apparently another eleven days. assuming everything goes as planned. it sucks. this medication is messing with my head. someone said it best with "its like trying to catch one voice in the middle of a thousand whispers." for the longest time i thought this is what i wanted. not to have the voices screaming at me. now i don't know how to handle it. i'm not used to not being able to organize my thoughts. it sucks, but i'm working on it. maybe the longer i take this it will go away. i hope so. i like to be able to think, i just don't like the screaming. pain. i feel pain. mostly becasue i'm me.
my results
so today it starts
she left today. i'm okay for now. school sucks and i'm not even there. ti as a way of haunting me even while i'm not even there. trying to keep my mind off of things for now. i shall deal wiht them later. for now, things are okay, i'm not going to mess wihth that.
where to start?
soo.... yeah. i felt like shit. umm shit happened. more shit happened. i felt worse. more shit happened. i felt like i was gonna die. and then more shit happened. now my mom knows about some of the shit and is worried about me. woman has seen shit and is now really worried. i don't know. i'm not worried. if i don't think about it, it'll go away. no one has ever heard of some of this, not doctors or anyone, so i don't care. apparently its going to be looked at. maybe. supposidly. okay, so thats the bad news. the good news. i felt like shit. thats exactly it, felt. past tense. well, kind of. so yesterday i wake up, don't feel good. go to work. go to church. i get there and i feel worse. woman shows up, and she doesn't feel well, so i feel worse. we start walking to church and i feel like i can't take it anymore. the next thing i know more shit has happened. thats when woman got worried. we finally got into church, i sat there and paid attention to the end of it. we left. on the way to her car we talked. found out some things that i wasn't happy about. later realized i had heard it wrong and had no reason to be upset. so yeah. went home. helped mom with stuff in the backyard. about to leave and my mom finds out shit has happened. she gets pissed and worried. i leave eventually and go see woman. we talk. i still feel like shit. we drop the car off at my house and go get food in her truck. leave from food and go get gas. she says were just going driving around. i'm completely up for this idea. can't wait to leave baton rouge. i lay in her lap while she drives. i'm talking to her and paying absolutly no attention to where we are. i ask where we are and she says on the interstate. i ask what exit sign she sees...prairievile. my first thought. holy shit. we drive. we end up in new orleans. we end up at the lake front arena. i'm curious as to what the fuck is going on. she pulls out two linkin park tickets for their project revolution tour. i'm excited. the concert was cool. i enjoyed myself. she enjoyed herself. talk more about it later. more shit is happening. later.
so it is
and this continues. my curiousity, my hurt, my pain, my apathy, my thoughts. i had visions again today. i just want them to go away. they had been gone for a while. a long time. they came back today. i hope it was just one. i odn't even know who the person was this time. nevermind. woman leaves in four days. monday she will be gone all day too. then she won't be back for two weeks. i hope i can make it. there was something said about a trip to see alex. i would like to join. i miss alex. the place feels different without him there. it feels more hollowed. perhaps its just me loosing myself and everything else that bothers me so much. he just happened to have left right in the middle of it. he left. one more person to leave me. one more person that i started to care for and tehn they leave. but then again, who am i to talk. assuming anyone around here cares, i'll be leaving them all soon. don't know how soon. i'm just waiting on my partner to join me. i don't want to leave without them. i can't leave without them. and so it is... i still don't have any idea.
oh wait, isn't this supposed to be a good thing?
yeah. so today is friday. i'm becoming an accomplice, to what i'm not exactly sure. i was just told i was.nothing too serious iwouldn't assume. however this being completely against my code of staying away from being arrested, i am a bit curious as to waht all is involved. oh well, wouldn't be my first conversation with a cop outside of "hey, it sure is a nice day"....or "hey, whered you get that food?" school sucks ass. not just ass, but the ass that you look at and it apears to have actual food product that wasn't quite digested still sitting there. colorful image if nothing else. 3D's 2C's. explain this to me. i have a 100 a 95 a 84 and a 0. how would i only have a 66 in the class? doesn't make sense to me. oh well i need a B in that class. i need 2 C's and 3B's. right now i'm not seeing it happening. the more i sit ehre and think about it the more i realize i should just leave. go ahead and go. theres really not much chance for me passing at all, so why sit here and kill myself over it? wouldn't know. whatever i do i'm going to piss someone off. sometimes i can't say that i care though. i mean, i did waht they asked, i just couldn't cut it. i tried. i really did, but no one else is going to belive that. oh i didn't see you studying for 25 hours today. or all this week for that matter, your slacking off. i just don't want to heat it anymore. work harder and youll do fine. well i've worked as hard as i can without killing myself and look what its gotten me. a 1.4 gpa.
its been a while
i cried yesterday. i don't even remember the last time i cried. wait, yes i do. it was early january. before that was october, and before that was 10th grade. before that was before i can remember. the reason i remember these is because it never happens, doesn't happen as often as it should. i know why i cried everytime. this time... i was about to die. i was about to break. completely and beyond repair. i felt all of me leave and i couldn't catch it. it was gone. i silently cried myself to sleep again this morning. i feel a little better. maybe it will help me get through this semester. i hope. i don't know. atleast until the end of this week. then woman leaves. i hope she has fun in another country, i just want her to be safe. its funny. i want her to have fun, but i do't want her to go. tell me how much sense that makes. seems nothing makes much sense anymore. sometimes i just don't care. my head keeps arguing with me over everything. don't know waht to do. must go. tlak later.
does any one care?
huh? does anyone out there really care what happens to me? if i left today would anyone wonder where i was? would anyone care? sure you have people who say that they care. you always have people who say they care. would my absence affect anyones life is what i'm asking. sure you can look over and say oh hes not here today, but would you honestly hurt if i wasn't here? i wish to die, except right now i know why. i only have few things left, and right now it seems that the guilt i feel doesn't make being here worth it. its like it hurts so much to know what i've done that nothing else matters. maybe death isn't really what i want, maybe just a change of scenery, maybe a change in a lot of things. i love the people i am around. Jordan, Phillip, Rodneyna, Alex, Erica, Meaghen, Sammy, Kelly... and the thing is, that number keep growing. but right now, right this second, none of it matters. perhaps sleep will do my emotions good. i hope. maybe not, i don't know. i hope it does. i ahte this feeling. who knows. maybe i do this to myself. perhaps i was never meant to love, never meant, never meant to be happy. that would really suck. perhaps i just need to quite thinking. i do to much of it and i never get anywhere but psycho depressive and that just pisses everyone else off.
and so the story goes
perhaps it was not meant for me. school, friends, love, a future. then again amybe it was. well all except school. i have more friends now than i have had my entire life. people that i am slowly becoming able to call friends. i love. i truly love. i know i love. i cansay i never knew what this word love meant, or that i was capable of partaking in it. my future is so unplanned. it scares me more than i care to see, but its exciting and i'm the happiest about it now than i have ever been. i don't understand it. school is still not going well. socl i ahve a D, Biol 1201 i have a D, Biol 1208 i have a C, Math 1022 i have a C(assuming ididn't fail the last test), engl 1002, i have a high C. each of those grades have to go up atleast one letter grade in order for me to keep tops. oh well. it sucks, but the rest of life seems to be looking up.
weirdo's
these people are strange. i believe we have talked about just about everything tonight. perhaps. it has cheered me up. this whole idea of me actaully getting to pass this semester is looking worse and worse. it sucks. can't keep up. some how i will make it. i ahve to. can't fail. can't be put on probation. must pass. we will see. plans keep changing. plans keep moving. i'm realizing that i odn't really have plans. but f it comes to it. i will just leave. just to leave. get out and go. perhaps with a comanion. if she joins. when she joins. she will join. soon. very soon.
i hate....
people. specifically stupid people. my teachers, this city, this place, myself. existence in general. blah. today i had to drop chemestry. apparently a 35 will not keep tops. i discovered that in order to keep tops i ahve to make 33 credit points. went to english. found out i amde a c on one paper and a d on another. definately not the b i need for class. skipped english. went and found alex and erica. went to highland grill and realized we were 13 minutes late for breakfast. no food for us. proceeded to the union. erica and alex ate. i had no money. what a shock. no food for me. however, erica was decent enough to give me some food. i was happy. came home, went ot work, read a psychotic bonus paper, went ot taco bell. i was happy. went exercising. i was still happy. eventually came home. retunring to hell. need not think. need not want. need not exist.
something
i hate it when i'm expected to do things, but no one decides to tell em that i'm supposed to be doing things until and hour before. friday i get home. the first thing that ahppens is that my mom starts yelling at me that i ahven't been home all day. unfortunately i ahd to inform her that i had been home for around two hours with phillip and no one else was there. she wasn't happy. she then proceeds to inform me that they where out setting up tables at my aunt's house. stupid me i ask why. for some reason i was just expected to know that my cousin was having a rehearsal dinner. supposedly someone informed me of this. i don't think so. i wouldn't ahve amde plans. so they got mad i didn't go. thye can get over it. went to sammys house, watched lady and the tramp. had fun. came home. managed a little sleep. was up early saturday. went to sammys got her dog princess. dropped the dog off at womans house. went home. about 10:30 the dog was back at my house. 12:40 we went o the wedding. i ahte that church so much. i hate that school. went there for nine years. hated every minute of it. however, it is looking better. apparently they remodeled since the last time iwas in there. wouldn't know. don't care to go back. went to the reception. it was intersting. came home, watched my blue heaven...or atleast some of it. i was distracted by other things. it was not my fault no matter how much other people say different. oh well. church this morning was well church. it was definantly a bit more interseting than the past few. between watching woman play on her cell phone, watching woma ntalk to people on her cell phone. the guy behind us thinking that where a bunch of satanists for not paying attention, the preacher telling us that we shouldn't come to church as much, so on and so on. still no decision made. must drop chem. made a 35 on my alst test. it sucked. oh well.maybe i can spend more time concentrating on other classes. perhaps. now i just look forward to the not here. to the time when i decide that it is just time for me to leave. and then i shall go. and i shall be ahppy. then this won't matter.
still getting nowhere...atleast not fast.
something like that. phil came over and helped me wit hthe comp today. i had to bring him back for 1:00 s everything isn't done with it. life is, well it sucks. i don't life doesn't suck persay, just school. i try, and i try and its not good enough. not for my parents not for tops not for my teachers not for my tests. i can't do enough to get the job done. doesn't matter anymore. it will all be over and when it is, then iwon't have t olook back. about that. i don't know what plans are. may be leaving. no i know i'm leaving. i ahve to. if i don't it will all be over for me. i will leave, the question is when. do i leave when school starts next semester or do i leave when school lets out this semester? i guess it al depends on how this semester turn out. if i keep tops than i go at the end of this summer. i go to college for a while and see how it finishes up. if i don't keep tops than i can't pay for college and so i must leave. i will leave at the begining of the summer. go away. make it on my own. hopefully with woman by my side. but i don't want to mess up her life. mine is already gone to nothing. she still has a chance. she has a better chance than i had. if one of us can be what we want to be, it will be her. i don't want to take that from her.don't know. can't stay, but i don't know ehre i'll go. i'll figue it out when the time comes. must go sit in quad and hate people.
still the same...
never know waht to do. i have a hope a dream, and then something is said and it all goes away. i still know its there. but don't know what to do. its like i'll just keep reaching and knowing i'll never make it. i have soo much to do i really can't be thinking right now. i suppose its better that way. if i don't think, if i don't want, if i try not to exist, than it won't hurt so bad. must go. must try not to be anything but what others want me to be. atleast until i can leave. atleast until i can go home. whenever that is.
hoping thinking and confused
don't know what to do. i know waht i want to do. i want to just leave. just go and not come back. probably call everyone. not tell anyone where we are. but just go. i want to. i have wanted to for a long time. now i have the chance. i can take out what i've earned over the years, and just go. the only thing i would be worried about is my school. honestly, after 14 years of school, and the grades i ahve now, i'm just really tired of it. i mean i ahve worked hard, and i can't make the grades i would need to keep tops. i can't afford to go and pay for my own college, so that would just mean i would be paying my rent here. i might as well be doing that somewhere else. can't try anymore, don't ahve anyhting left. i would make it. we would amke it. now i'm just worried about her school. i don't wnat her to have to miss out because of me. even though it is her idea and she the one putting the dream back into my head. i want it there. it gives me hope. its a good thing. maybe. i don't know. must do something. must think. must not have thoughts.
hahahahaha
well i'm sure by the time you get to thins site, you will have already read about all of this before at someone esles blog page, or seen the pictures, or just heard about it, but it was my afternoon, so its going in my page. yesterday almost sucked too much to stand. got up. i knew i was going to see erica, don't know why, didn't know when, hadn't talked to her, but i knoew i was going to see her. went to see woman. always fun. i enjoy our time together. went to school, no chem class. typed in blog page, checked email, went to the quad. talked to meaghan. went to english. found out icould rewrite my paper. also a plus, now i just have to do it. went back out to the quad. found alex ready to die. gave him a suggestion on fixing his problem, i don't think hes taken it yet. had a taro(i have no clue as to how to spell it) reading done. it was interesting. it said some things. good things. positive things. went to eat at pentagon. i fed. it was good. went back to quad. went to union with phil. went back to quad. went home around 2:00. it was good. did some homework. talked to woman. talked to erica. talked to phil. went and picked up taco bell for woman. brought it to her. she was ahppy to see me. it was good. she gave me her crashed computer. worked on it. didn't work right. went to ericas around 5:50. arived around 6:10. we went and looked at the house(her huge damn house, with the bedsized bathtub), looked at handsized statues, looked at pictures. phil and alex arived around 6:45- 6:50. we gathered in kitchen. we watched gay animation. we ate popcorn. fat guy with large breasts rapping little boys. fat guy with large breasts by the end of the movie no longer had anyhting to rape little boys with. we ate apples, crackers, rice cakes. they loked at online pictures while watching short films such as mrs muffy and the muff mob. they started listening to techno. my back hurt. alot. a laid there. it didn't go away. i asked someone to pch on it to help it go away. i almost died. alex tried to fix it. erica tried to fix it. they all alughed at me. i appreciate the help. it does feel better. we went to kitchen. left kitchen for heating pad. i laid on heating pad. erica folded clothes. phil tried on clothes. we all laughed for a long time. first outfit. soccer shorts and revelaing shirt. next outfit started out as just black thong. progressed to black shirt and black skirt. last outfit was red dress. nice pistures but phil, your going to have tot work on your sudductive stare. it was fun. we found large amounts of electric tape. i don't think it ever got used. we ate pizza. it was good. i left around 11:45. went home and wroked on the comp at my house. made progress. got up this morning and my mom was pissed that i didn't come in until 12:10. it doesn't happen often. i hardly ever do anything outside of school on weeknights. oh well. must go to class.
its been two days
forgive me followers for i have sinned. it has been two days since my last post... sorry to all of you catholics out there, this wans't meant to be offensive although isee how it could be taken that way. on to other things. THE WEEKEND: Saturday- well lets start with friday night(yes this does fit because i genreally right in the afternoon, there fore night activitys would end up on the next days post.) woman and i decide to watch a movie, don't remember the name. my father gets home. mom orders mrs suzzy's. i request chicken strips. mom orders that aswell. father gets pissed off. why you may ask... perhaps because he being a completely non practicing catholic decided it was wrong to eat meat on friday during lent. can someone explain this to me please. i attended catholic school for nine years and because i went to the school i also went to the church, and i still don't get this. 1) because christ didn't eat for forty days you assume you shouldn't eat meat on fridays during this forty days? how does that work? why not fast for the forty days? why not fast each friday? 2) why meat? meat was an impure thing to eat, only because other religions where sacrificing it to their gods. okay with the death of christ, their was a new covenant and with it paul says that you can eat meat as long as it hasn't been sacraficed. sounds reasonable enough. so i'm still confused. 3) what does the catholic church have to say about drinking alchahol? not going to church? not observing the sacraments? so why with the strict observation of this one? perhaps teh fear of going to hell, but if that was the case why with the lack of everyhting else? on to other things. saturday i was awakened around 9:00. way to early all things considered. went to work. didn't get paid. went to womans house. went riding horses. that was an even all to itself. got back to her house. put the horses in the stalls and went to get her truck. went to walmart. went back to her house. talked, ate, looked for some songs, took some online quizes, i went home. THE WEEKEND: Sunday - sunday was i don't even know what sunday was. went to sunday school felt compleetely out of place. went to church. went to eat with womans family at el chico. went back to my house. did some stuff there. went and fed her cats. drove around. talked to kalum once again a whole nother story. went back to my house. did some more stuff. went to church, went to taco bell, went home alone for the first time all day and hated it. finally wrote my english paper. went to bed around 11:00. fairly early all things considered. must now go rewrite part of my last english paper. fun. i will type again later about the interesting things.
ummmm........yeah
something tells me life has some changes in store for me. do i buy into evryone else? do i do what my family and friends think is right? i don't know. i don't how much of this i can do. i don't know about college anymore. i don't know if its something i can do. i don't know if its something i can handle. i mean i have tried, i have tried really hard, but it doens't seem to be good enough. maybe its not. maybe i'm not. some things ahve been presented to me. some offers. some suggestions. i'm thinking, some i want, some just seem to be a good idea. maybe someone will show me what is right for me. maybe i'll just know. i think i have to decide soon. perhaps. just want to know what is right. and even if college isn't, maybe it will be later. who knows. not me.
must find it soon
well let me see where to begin. a will sounds good. some days i have no will to do anything. not get up not move not do anything. if i where not in college this might not be such a bad thing. i must keep a certain gpa in order to pass...or atleast in order to keep other people paying for me to learn. the thing is, if i force myself to do these things, i really learn nothing. not a choice. i do them...yes even with a good attitude(although most of you wouldn't know it either due to the fact that you don't care to take a look or you don't know what it is that you are looking at). the next thing i have to find is a life. i have a few good things going fer me at this moment and i fear that if i don't fix it, it will be lost. which will suck, if not more than likely send me into a state of depression that i will eventualy get over. you see the thing is. in order to have friends that you are willing to do things with, you have to have the same interests. needless to say, the people i hang out with in the quad or just that, the people i hang out with in the quad. outside of killing time between class, we have no real interests together, or we just have never gotten the oportunity to find out. the thing is, in order to have a life, you must have friends more than just 4-5 hours a day, 3-5 days a week. people i used to know at church, the same applies, they do not even constitute more than aquantences when only seen between 1-2 hours a week, by their own choosing. sometimes i can understand, not all the time. (i am doing nothing more than rambling, feel free to leave any time, its not as if i would know anyway). so yes where was i. a will and a life. what else. a new haircut might be nice. i need to find a change of scenery. i can't take this place anymore. its not that its too incredibly bad. i mean i have friends with worse. i know people who would kill me if they knew i wanted to leave my house. but its just i need to be somewhere smaller, somewhere i can feel as if i'm taking care of myself for some things. i can hear my parents now "if you can't even take care of your grades how are you going to keep yourself alive." maybe not, but i am waiting on my dad to start yelling at me over my grades. give me another speech about how poorly i'm doing, what all is ruining my future, just random things i don't care to listen to anymore. blah. nothingness. thats something else i am going to have to find soon. a place of nothingness that i can recreate for myself. a place to just go outside of my head and outside of my thoughts. i have places i can go to get away from the rest of the world, i just can't get away from me. something i really need to do about now. don't know. can't care right now. too much other stuff to care about before i can care about myself. must go. must exist. however much i don't want to.
so confused
don't know what to do. friends. maybe. i don't know how to deal with what i have been given. emotion. maybe thats not it at all. jelousy, greed. its a possibility. something, anything. can someone just tell me. this isn't how i work. soon. do they care or am i just when convenient. don't know. too busy thinking with emotion. can't happen. can't stop it. so confused.
looking....looking....Damn i didn't find it
so heres the start of something new. maybe. looking for things. looking for me. can't seem to find either. starting a blog page. life continues. enjoy the thisness. perhaps someday i shall do the same.
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chris
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